The first time one of my daughters’ told me she wasn’t sure that she wanted kids, I’ll be honest, I felt a tinge of guilt and shame.
Certainly, if she didn’t want children that meant I had FAILED as a mom, right? Doesn’t every little girl want to grow up to be “just like her mom?” Every little boy, just like his dad.
And, if not, as parents, have we failed to be inspiring or “good enough” role models?
Had I made motherhood look hard?
Had I made motherhood look boring and unfulfilling? ️
Had I been a “bad” mom???
The next time one of my daughters told me she wasn’t sure that she wanted kids, I got introspective. Why do I feel this way? How does this have ANYthing to do with me?
And the next several times, I got curious…
I asked my daughters questions and I listened to what they were saying.
And I came to, what might be, an unpopular conclusion.
I actually don’t want my daughters to be mothers…
“Gasp!!”
At least, not mother’s as defined by today’s Mommy Storyline. I definitely do not want, for them, the guilt/shame/fear Mother storyline that is so pervasive for today’s moms; the same storyline that (too often) has weighed me down.
I know you know the story; she’s the mom who does it all, shows up in her all, sacrifices all, and never, ever breaks a sweat.
She can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan (IYKYK)
Though we “talk” about knowing it’s not the true story, deep down many women STILL believe it’s the “ideal” with which we are being measured and judged by an illusioned mommy tribunal! So, even though we “say” we know better, deep down we keep beating ourselves up with the fear that we are falling short.
But, I have to tell you that there is no judge; there is no measuring stick.
This Ideal Mom image is just a storyline. It’s an image that was created, which means, yall, it’s an image that can be RE-created for ourselves and our children.
Women were needed to fill the employment gaps left by men who were engaged in WWII. At the time, women were gaining skills and climbing ladders quickly. When the war ended, men came home and wanted their jobs back. So a social narrative was constructed, call it Capitalism, Patriarchy, Malarchy- it’s kind of all the same
That narrative had to be a good one and it needed to permeate quickly. So, a narrative was constructed that a woman’s place was in the home because it was “best” for the children.
Everything from television programming, advertisement, commercials, and popular literature started “telling” the same story, children are happier, healthier, and more likely to succeed IF mom stays home.
Even research looked like it proved this point IF, and only IF, you were reading the research AS IT WAS disseminated for the masses via popular literature or from news sources. Many religions hopped on the bandwagon and issued urgent calls for women to “come home” to support their husbands and be with their children.
In suburbia, the narrative promised better education, sprawling parks, safer communities, etc.
From here, The Second Shift was born.
Helicopter Motherhood,
Tiger Motherhood,
Lawnmower Motherhood…
all the birth child of the fear created by this ONE narrative. If a mom is a good mom, her kids will be healthy, happy, successful. And, if not…
And, with all of this narrative “mommy shame” was introduced. Sociologically, today’s mommy shame is a post WWII phenomenon. As long as there was a right/good way to be a mom, there was destined to be a wrong/bad way to be a mom.
With the right/wrong dialog, firmly, in place, society gave birth to Mommy Martyrdom, a virus that spread like wildfire!
BTW, Dad also has a critical “narrative” playing out here, but that’s a tangent.
So, when something big happens to her child, Mom (women) are more likely to leave work, take the day off, or self-blame herself into distress.
Why? Ahhh, SHAME!
and the only known antidote to living shame…
drum roll please…
Grace Self GRACE and Social GRACE.
One, without the other, is only half of changing the story! We need, as a Mother”Hood” to have both- self grace and a felt sense of social grace!
And, once momma is practicing grace, momma is free to live into the amazing self that she is free to earn money, or not; free to play, or not, any way that she wants too.
And, once mom feels free to be HER best version of herself, her children are free
to be THEIR best version of themselves.
It turns out, our children don’t need us to DO it all, they really need us to BE our all.
And that, my friends, is the Mommy Narrative that I want for my daughters, my sons, and myself!
