With the exception of the study of how religious organizations impact the development of perfectionist thinking, I would say that this topic- the study of discrepant self-identity- is at the root of all of my research, conversations, and platform.
The truth is, religion, perfection, and discrepant self-identity go so hand in hand that they are hard to unravel; like a snowball, once one gets moving, they all just roll downhill, gathering speed, size, and momentum!
This concept is more scientific than it is “trendy”, so it doesn’t get a lot of attention; but that really needs to change. Our emotional well-being and ability to authentically connect with one another relies on how we feel and think about ourselves and how we ASSUME that people feel and think about us!
Now, before you start quoting all of the Meme’s, positive thinking quotes, and affirmations that say we shouldn’t care what other people think about us- you need to know that if you are someone who struggles with an “ought” defined self, it doesn’t matter how much you read, write, or vibrate… it is very difficult to get past the belief that you “ought” to be better, stronger, faster, smarter…
We all have some habits of defining self based on our own personal desires, dreams, goals, and vision of our future self. This is called our IDEAL self and is based on some “ideal” version of our personal potential. This future self might be inspired by someone else’s ideas or achievements, but it usually has some basis in our own internal desires and drive to be, do, or accomplish according to OUR priorities!
In contrast, there is this element of our ‘self’ that is defined by some “other” person… this might be parents, spouse, children, friends, teachers, coaches, or church congregations. This “other” has defined our “ought” self; the person we should, could, or would be IF we behaved better, worked stronger, moved faster, or acted smarter!
And, somewhere in the middle is our “actual” self- the self that we are right now. There is so much behind how we might feel about our ‘actual’ “self”, too much to address here. But the most important thing to understand is that there is this GAP between where we are NOW and where we are going…
When I look at this big space between where I sit and the ‘other side’, I can get really excited or full of dread. And, it all depends on who is defining the gap; who has determined both the destination and the journey.
One of the big catalysts for emotional, spiritual, and physical distress is feeling like we have no control over bridging the gap between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. I would say this discrepancy theory is the main concern in the research on religion and perfectionism.
It is the belief that, somehow, our worth and relationships are tied to what we do or how we believe. So stepping into our own skin can get really scary, especially if we believe our relationships are tied to “fitting the mold” or following the script.
Kori and I talk about the Actual, Ought, and Ideal versions of “self in this episode of our Free & Full Podcast,
With a lot of honestly, Kori explains her experience with the “Ought” definition of who she was ‘supposed’ to be when she says “I know there’s been times where I’ve recognized that other people have made my standards for me. Standards of how to dress, how to act on a date, how to study, how to worship, and how to live. And once I realized that the standards I’d been living aren’t the same as the standards I believe in, it was very troubling for me. But I also remember that instead of changing, I just sat there. I sat in my own distress, and was living a very inauthentic life. I tried to convince myself that I could ‘fake it till I made it’, and that if I lived a certain way long enough, I’d start to believe in those standards again. But that wasn’t true, I was just spinning in circles and living my own lie until I had the courage to get out. There is wisdom in recognizing the gap, but it takes loads of self-love to reach for what you actually want.
This is a really important topic to understand if you work with people, if you live with people, or if you are a people 🙂 Feeling this big distance can have a huge impact on how we feel about ourselves, but also how we connect to others.
When we live in a constant state of ‘feeling’ judged, we are on automatic and constant defense. Until we can get comfortable enough with a few elephants in the room and open up some of the uncomfortable conversations, we keep this big wedge between our relationships with one another.
But, here’s the catch and the caveat…
Even if YOU feel good about who you are and where you are going- it is CRITICAL that you take a moment to somehow understand that not everyone has this confidence. It’s a valuable life skill called Awareness, a skill that allows us to see someone where they are and WAIT with them right where they are.
So often, we want someone to improve before we will meet them in their gaps- this has to change. We have to be able to start meeting people IN their gaps if we want to truly take a bite out of rising rates of emotional distress. I believe it is possible, I’ve seen too much happen in my own home to give you something that I don’t 100% believe in-
So, where do you fit in the gap; are you leaning heavy towards your “ideal” self or your “ought” self??
I’d love to hear from you~
May you Love Much and Laugh Lots,
Treisha
