A few years ago, my husband and I built our dream home. In every possible way it was custom planned, designed, and constructed according to our dreams, desires, values, and priorities. We had envisioned fun family parties, hosting holiday gatherings, and celebrating weddings, grand-kids, and major life accomplishments in this home!
We spent one year planning every last detail; from every outlet and light switch to every cupboard and drawer- we had a knowledge and a vision for our family and the memories that we wanted to create in this new home.
The home would sit on acreage, and we had a BEAUTIFUL back yard- full of trees, ponds, and adventure for our young family. In designing the home, we put most of the windows facing the backyard; great big picture windows that I had no intention of covering. We lived in Minnesota and I could envision the joy and peace that I would get from having an unrestricted view of those trees through every season and throughout the years. The front of the house didn’t have a lot of windows, but a large front porch would give us the ability to sit outside with neighbors and friends while kids ran back and forth!
I knew everything that was important to my husband and I, and this home was designed to focus on all of the simple pleasures that offered me the greatest joy! I knew what I needed to have in my life, and what I needed to limit in my life. I knew where my mom weaknesses were and where my mom strengths were- every wall, window, and doorway was designed to create and support the daily and active flow of our lives.
One day, a friend stopped by with her mom. As they walked around the house, this guest kept commenting on the lack of windows in the front of the house; in every room, she made a comment that she could not sit on a couch and see what was happening in the neighborhood. She mentioned that the bedrooms were not placed where she would want them placed and that she could never be happy in home with so many toilets to clean. Luckily, for her and me, she would never be asked to keep care of the home, so her needs didn’t apply to my home 🙂
I’ve been thinking a lot about this house and this woman’s comments lately. We have been talking a lot about healthy boundaries in our house for several weeks. Maintaining individual and relationship boundaries is one of the best ways to successfully navigate life with family, friends, and colleagues. Healthy boundaries are one of the greatest tools that we have to build a life of respect, gratitude, and connection. However, each one of us will have different boundaries that support our own personal values, goals, and priorities.
Kori and I talked about healthy boundaries in this episode of our Free & Full Podcast.
In this episode, Kori suggested that boundaries don’t always mean shutting people out, but sometimes a healthy boundary allows us to be mindful of who we let in. Boundaries are our way of establishing the walls and windows of our emotional, physical, mental, and emotional homes so we can avoid the dangerous barbed wire fences that come from overwhelming relationships and personal triggers that force us to shut down and damage our sense of hope, joy, and grace!
When we built our Minnesota house, my priorities were to provide my kids and my family with a place to enjoy the simple pleasures of outside adventure and fond memories with friends and family. I LOVE the seasons, but can’t always be IN the seasons, so those big windows were my daily access to the beauty of our family and God’s creations. In all honesty, I don’t necessarily need to see my neighbors comings and goings– but, I do love to wave, laugh, and enjoy a few minutes of neighborly friendliness from a front porch. Busy body-ness drives me bonkers but I LOVE the threads of connection that are created from mutually engaged chit chat~
These are MY values, MY goals, and MY priorities. They work well for me, they support my vision and they support the desires of my heart.
My emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical boundaries are designed quite similarly to the walls and windows designed in our Minnesota home. I have certain things that are critical to me in a healthy relationship. Right now, I have a LOT of emotional and spiritual vulnerability, so I am a likely to enjoy the windows of life. I need some of my strongest family and friends by my side, to hold me up and keep me strong, so I have taken down some of the walls of defense and shame in order to create mutual spaces of prayer, support, and compassion.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written a great book on boundaries. In their book, they discuss that there are many ways to build boundaries- for A LOT of years, I built boundaries that looked more like fortresses of steel, where shrapnel penetrated the hearts and minds of anyone who tried to approach. In some of my relationships, I have failed to build boundaries at all and, then, suffered the resentment when I felt that my “lawn” had been trampled.
As I am teaching my children to set healthy boundaries, I am doing the same. There will be times that we really want the windows in our lives to face the beauty and serenity of nature. AND, there will be times that we need to put a few windows in the front, where we can see our neighbor and invest in one another’s stories. There will be times that we leave our doors wide open for friends and family to come and go as needed AND there will be times that we close our doors and ask friends and family to knock before entering.
I’m not convinced that any of these boundaries are bad-
But, I am convinced that the more defined our boundaries are in advance, the more clear we are on our specific needs, goals, values, and priorities, the less we will find ourselves guarded in armor, trapped and locked behind a fortress of steel, artillery, and military grade barbed wire!
I’m realizing, today, that I need to plant a few flowers around my picket fence; that I need to clean my windows, and open up a few more doors! What will you do, today, to beautify and give meaning to your own boundaries?
And, as always, may you Love Lots and Laugh Often,
Treisha
